I have been going through a lot recently. It seems almost every day something hard is happening. Even in the midst of amazing things, I am still sad. I know for myself I have made Recovery a black and white thing. You are either in Recovery or you are not. You are either cutting or you are not. I am learning this month that there’s gray areas in recovery. Sometimes you are not cutting but you are not in recovery. I think how you define “Recovery” will help you see my point. I define recovery as actively working towards health; actively fighting off triggers and urges to win over mental illness. What if we are having days or weeks or months were we aren’t doing anything in our recovery? What if there’s times where we aren’t choosing to be happy? Where sometimes the trigger becomes too much and we just shut down? Did you relapse? No. This is my point. I feel like there’s a time where we are technically in recovery but we aren’t doing anything. So my question is how do you stay in recovery? How do you keep your mind active? How do you keep fighting so many things all at once?
Today has defiantly helped me answer those questions. Actually its been a few weeks. I noticed this morning though that I wasn’t actively fighting my recovery. I wasn’t actively choosing to not let triggers and things bother me.
Today instead of crying in art class I asked my teacher for help. She gave me a one-on-one art lesson for almost 20 minutes. It was one of the hardest things in my life. I hate asking for help especially when I feel my questions are quite dumb. Turns out when you are someone who used to have dyslexia, has never drawn in their life, has been sick for over a week and is stressed in general, there is no such thing as a dumb question. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sad today but the sadness feels different. It feels like one day soon I will feel happy. Yesterday felt like a could of death I wasn’t going to recover from. No matter how much I chose joy. No matter how many things went right, it felt like I couldn’t escape the sadness. Once I started being active in my recovery today the black hole of sadness turned into just sadness. I am sure in a few days the sadness will lift. I know I will still see the sunshine in the days. I know eventually I’ll recover from the sinus infection I have.
This big thing to stay in recovery is to first realize where you are at. Is your mind active or are you just going through the motions?
Second choose to still see the sunshine in the days. Don’t turn off your eyes to see the good. Even in the midst of sadness there are good things happening. Like yesterday I passed 5 tests with A’s but I was still sad.
Third, recognize that its okay to be sad as long as your moving forward. As long as it’s just a part of your journey its fine. Sometimes you just have to wait it out. Sometimes you have to just keep on walking with your life and eventually you will walk out of the sadness.
Trust me, I have been at this active recovery thing for 3 years and I am still learning and growing and figuring things out. It’s a process; don’t beat yourself. Everyday you are learning.
You are doing well, I know you are!
Sorry for the late post but its stills Wednesday and I think this timing is perfect for some of you!
Finish your evening strong; pray, journal and get set for the rest of the week!!!