I was faced with a surprising situation on Saturday night at church. My Ex reappeared, for the first time in 2 months, with his parents while my boyfriend and his dad was there. I was very triggered and very upset. Even more when I learned my Ex was going to hang out with everyone after church and my boyfriend was going to be going home with his dad. I was faced with two options; to fight or to run. I realized I can’t let mental illness take anything more from me. I realized (while I was praying during church so it was most God sharing these things with me) I am a mental illness advocate and facing your Ex can be a big problem. I want to learn things not to just help myself but to help all of you. Saturday I finally won. I finally was able to be in the same place as my Ex and be fine. I was finally able to be around him and not even look at him. I was finally able to let that piece go. So what did I learn? How do you do it? Well I think there is more than one way to do it, but here is one way that I found that worked for me.
1) Realize that seeing your Ex (boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, etc) is temporary. It will end. The trigger will stop. Eventually the day will end and that moment of time will end as well. Reminding myself that it wasn’t forever really helped me get through Saturday night.
2) Who are you going to let win? Your Ex or yourself. If there your Ex something happened in the relationship causing it to break down and apart. I assume, at least for me, that relationship took a decent part of your life. That relationship took time and energy; when it broke down, it caused pain and tears. Do you really want it to win again? I didn’t, I wanted to win. I wanted to fight back and prove to myself that that relationship doesn’t have a second longer in my life.
3) I sort of wanted to talk to my Ex on Saturday night. I know through the past year I was trying to rebuild a friendship with him. When I’m in the state of mind of wanting contact from him I have to recognize contact from an Ex 8 times of 10 isn’t a good idea. I also have to recognize who I am becoming. For me that relationship fit perfectly for who I was at that time. For who I am today it doesn’t. People are always growing and changing, especially in recovery. Theres a reason the relationship ended and sometimes you have to remember that. Sometimes the good memories are made way bigger than they actually are. Sometimes our emotions deceive us. I know at first I was blinded and couldn’t see what everyone else saw with my Ex. I couldn’t see that he lied, cheated and used me. Now its clear as day but that’s because of growth and time. Stay strong.
4) A big thing is time. Giving it time truly heals all. Give yourself the time you need to heal. Validate your feelings and emotions. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be freaking out. It’s fine to be upset. It’s fine to be sacred, nervous, mad, angry, sad and maybe even hurt when you see them. Give yourself the time to truly heal. Its been over a year and I am just now starting to win.
5) The biggest thing that helped me through Saturday night was forgiveness. You have to forgive your Ex and you have to forgive yourself. Un-forgiveness is like a prison. You hold your self from the things God wants you to have. You aren’t joyful, you aren’t at peace, you don’t feel love from anyone. The thoughts of old past behaviors start to flood in your head. Once you truly forgive yourself you can start to feel loved by others again, you can start to be happy and at peace. I know for me its been really hard to just see who my Ex is becoming because its like “I chose that? I was going to marry him? Was I blind and deaf when we were dating? Did I choose not to see the obvious?” It’s hard to realize how bad of a choice I had truly made. But you have to forgive yourself and find a way to truly be settled and fine. For me if that relationship didn’t happen I wouldn’t have Snow. Right there its worth it. I could list a lot more things that happened because of that relationship but having Snow makes it worth it. That relationship caused me to grow a crazy amount. I grew up and matured years from that relationship. You also have to forgive that person. When there’s un-forgiveness you act differently. You act mad, you act hurt, you try to make their life a living hell. I know its hard and can feel impossible but you have to forgive them. You have to say ” I forgive so and so for such and such.” Say it until you don’t have a nasty after taste in your mouth. I know I have truly forgive my Ex because of how I responded on Saturday night.
This thing takes time. I know how hard it can be. I am here for you! I understand what you are going through. I get the pain, the heart ache, the feeling of not being able to breathe. I get it! If you need someone to talk to, defiantly send me a message.
Have a great Tuesday and stay tuned for Mid-Week Energy tomorrow!