This whole story is about my Second Recovery from start to end. Actually, this isn’t really a story; more so tidbits, life lessons and pieces of a story all put together. This is the best way to explain my second recovery and sharing my heart from that time.
The whole reason why the Second Recovery started was because of a life event that happened that was a nightmare that left me with to choices; live or die. My Second Recovery is from November 7th, 2013- November 7th, 2014.
The life event that happened that didn’t go so well was my first romantic relationship. I really don’t want to spend too much time on that story. I feel like in the process of healing I have made the story way more powerful and bigger in my life than it needed to be. I feel like going into epic detail like I had isn’t right. I simply want to say that I went through my first break up. The breakup didn’t cause Snow, it doesn’t cause any of the rest of this story to occur. What it did was leave me with two choices in the midst of a nightmare I put myself in. I could choose to live or to die. I could choose to fight for recovery or to just kill myself. I feel like I have empowered the story way to much. I feel like I took way to long to overcome that thing. It happened, I need to grow up, mature and move on. I need to stop giving it so much energy and thought. My past year and half may have started out of heart-break but it quickly turned into way more based on my own choices. I started choosing life and freedom. I started choosing to listen to my wise mentors and parents.
Through this I have learned that the process of healing is like waves. Let’s say the waves are like emotions. Sometimes the waves hit unexpected and some waves are positive emotions and some waves are waves of sadness. You can’t predict when the waves are going to hit or how hard there going to hit. You have to just be ready for it.
GIRLS!!! Please listen to me!!! Please learn something from my story!!! Please take note!!! Save your heart, save other people’s hearts!!! If you see any read flags put a pause. It’s not worth the pain in the end!!
I will be the first one to admit that I have had a major issue with guys. I have a major issue with using them for emotional comfort that I am currently mastering! I am the first one to admit I have done a poor job conducting myself when it comes to the topic of the opposite sex. I have used guys for emotional comfort instead of truly going to Jesus.
On September 20th 2011 I went to my first coffee date with a woman who was going to be a mentor and sister to me. After the coffee date I headed back home to the Moe’s. It took me 2 hours to get home because I was walking and talking with God. I remember that night so clearly, even where I was when I broke down crying. I was crying out to God. Getting clean was too painful. It was too hard; it took everything in me not to cut and I was losing steam fast. God started speaking to me about my future family. He said “I know you don’t love yourself enough to get clean. Do it for your babies and for your husband. They need a mom and a wife. Do it for your family until you can do it for self. ” That is exactly what I did. I chose to start my recovery for my future husband. I accidentally started living for a guy. It wasn’t the best or smartest idea. It was a good idea for the time being but I never started doing the recovery for myself. I never switched it from doing it for a guy to doing it for me.
I had this thing from God. I had this word from the Lord that I turned into gold and held on to. I was looking for my husband. I was looking for someone to make the pain of recovery worth it. I was looking for validation for everything I went through in my life. YOU CANT GET THAT FROM ANYONE EXCEPT JESUS!! It is such a horrible mindset to head into a relationship with. It is a horrible mindset to have guy friends with.
I feel like relationships and marriage needs to be taken really seriously. I feel like relationships need to be set up in a way where you are able to answer the question “are you my spouse” in a way where if the answer is no you are able to go back to being friends and there’s not a whole bunch of damage and mess to clean up afterwards. I really needed longer in my recovery. I needed more time clean under my belt before I entered into something that serious and that intense. Honestly, the relationship almost killed me because I wasn’t ready and it was pre-mature. l was so desperate, I later realized, for my guy and for all the pain to be worth it. I felt like when I meet the guy that I had dated, all my searching and all my hard work paid off.
Girls you are worth having your purity fought for. If a guy can’t fight for your purity, it doesn’t mean that there evil or a jerk, it could just mean that they are immature and aren’t ready for a relationship. If a guy struggles following your boundaries, heck if you struggle following your own boundaries take it as a sign to step back and mature. Take a season in life where you get into healthy situations to learn boundaries. Don’t jump into something where if you mess up with boundaries than it’s critical. Find a place that’s less intense and that isn’t going to be so critical if you mess up on boundaries. It may be getting connected with a family and learning that family dynamic. It could be getting mentors. Heck, it could be getting into a therapy and learning them. It could be reading books, reading the bible, Google! Learn boundaries before a relationship and I feel like you will save yourself so much pain.
GIRLS!!!! Don’t rush into things. If people tell you wait. If you don’t get the green lights don’t just go ahead with it. GIRLS!!! If a relationship is good timing and if the guy is good for you, your mental health won’t go down, it will go up. Some Events after wards:
The beginning of my Second Recovery literally started as hell. If it wasn’t hard enough to go through a break up, on November 9th the man who sexually abused me returned in my life (Story of abuse). There is a weekly activity that we both ended up attending at the same time. I got really depressed and even suicidal. I had all this stuff, one thing after another. I just felt like I could never get a break. I started therapy again on November 7th for all of my eating stuff. But that quickly turned into grief counseling (yes girls, a break up is like a death and may require therapy. Again, why would you choose that, are you seeing why it’s important to listen to others wise counsel?) and then turned into PTSD therapy when the guy who abused me return. On December 18th my grandfather died. It was a really strange thing because it really threw me off but I didn’t know the man. I hadn’t seen him in 10 years so I don’t know why it threw me off. I think it triggered and caused other things to pop up.
A few months after the break up I got a challenge from God to become a strong, confident, independent, stable women who didn’t need a man or other help (to a degree). It was the first time in a long time God started showing me my identity. It was the first time I was in a place in my life and in a place with God where I was able to truly hear God and start working on my identity. This period of time I was in was to learn how to stand on my own two feet and actually live out everything I have been taught since the beginning of my first recovery that started on August 14th, 2011. It was time to put it all into practice.It’s really been since January/ February that I have hit this rapid increase of growth. I have found inner confidence that I didn’t even know existed. I am finally free and happy.
I think the timing of the relationship was amazing. I was in a really safe place with the ministry school I was in. One of my classmates told me that if I killed myself he would just raise me from the dead because he needed practice to be dead raiser. He took all power out of my trump card.
Do you see what happens when you enter into a relationship with God and Jesus and not another person? It’s really not worth it to have a revolving door of guys. Eventually that door needs to stop and then when it does you have to clean up the mess from all the guys that went through that door. Stopping sooner rather than later may be wise. Having a break up, having the man who abused me, my grandfather’s death, the horrible holidays, like oh my goodness. One of the hardest combo’s of things I had to deal with. All the while working and trying to do the ministry school. On top of all that craziness I moved and got a second job. All of this happened between November 2013 and May 2014. But somehow I have made it through even stronger in the end. I am leaning on God and going to Him instead of other men. I have grown so much and have found so much inner strength. I am finally pursing my dreams and passions. I can honestly say that I am finally happy and I am finally free.
All that is where Snow came out of. Snow came during those intense prayer times when I just couldn’t carry on anymore. Snow came out of the nights I was triggered at church when I had to see people or deal with drama. Girls let all expectations go, especially of people you used to date. Just let God take over and heal your heart. Let God explain and show things to you. If you are meant to be friends, if you are meant to have that conversation it will happen. You need to give it space and time and you have stop touching it. You can’t talk to him; you can’t keep talking about him to others. You can’t have a revolving door of guys. You really just have to face the truth that they died and a relationship of more than just friends isn’t likely. I let go of all expectations. I let go of all hope. My advice to you girls is to put your head up and look straight ahead. Look at Jesus who’s right in front of you. Let go of everything holding you back. Go through the pain and grieve this thing. Life will be much better when you don’t have the pain of your Past relationship eating at you. Just heal. Just grow, and please! Don’t ever repeat the same cycle with a guy. Don’t go fast, don’t rush through things. Don’t give him your whole body right away, heck not till your married. Allow your self-time to mourn and heal. If people are telling you that you should be over it just tell them nicely that that isn’t helpful and to stop. Don’t put a time limit on it. As long as you are going forward and making progress.
But even through everything this past year I have made it to my 3rd year anniversary since I stopped cutting. I got my 2nd tattoo as a celebration. My tattoo is the word for shalom in Hebrew. Shalom means peace and is what I want to name a future business. I love my shalom tattoo so much and it was the perfect 3rd year celebration. I got to test myself with needles and thank goodness needles hurt again. I really wasn’t sure if I was going to make it through this past year but I did and I am beyond proud of myself. Girls it is so worth it to keep going and to keep fighting. Don’t lose hope.
My shalom tattoo kind of represents my 2nd recovery. Everything I have gone through. The pursuit of peace all the while finding God more. When I look at my tattoo it brings a smile to my face because it reminds me that I have made it 3 years. That I am an overcomer and that I can literally do anything and everything. I have overcome things that literally felt like mountains. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing is impossible.
This past week right before my Second Recovery ended I was able to celebrate 3 years since Suicidal Ideation ended. This was a big date because I thought I was going to kill myself last winter.Girls, you can do it! You will make it out alive and stronger than before. I believe in you!
There you have it; that is the whole story of my Second Recovery. All the ups and downs, all the victories that I gained. It was a wild ride but I am so glad and happy to be fully recovered.